he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
