Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
