It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
