You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
