If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
