elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
