I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
