It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I touched a dick in church today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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