Apparently you make a good broom.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
