the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
