I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
