I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
