Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
