You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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