i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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