so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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