I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
