My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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