I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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