It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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