just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
