My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
