Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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