My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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