nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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