I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
