atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
