mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
