So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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