Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize
