i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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