I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
its not stalking. its research.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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