That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
