She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
