Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
