Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
