I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
