I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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