I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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