I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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