So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Actions speak louder than pants.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
