wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
