She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
