trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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