Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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