Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
organizing the empties. That sober.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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