i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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