I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
