I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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