remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
